you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Randomize
