So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
