I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
