mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
