It's like a parade of train wrecks.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
