Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
