watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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