If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
