If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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