i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
