I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
