I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Randomize
