I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
