all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
