I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I have aggressive nipples.
did i just pee glitter
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
