he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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