I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
