planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
