"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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