I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
