So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
