If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
