I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Randomize
