He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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