Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
