the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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