Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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