I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
