One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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