does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
