i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
