it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
