I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
