Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
