Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
