"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
