I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
