nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
