it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
