I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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