i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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