Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
