I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize
