you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Randomize
