After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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