I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
