you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
