Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
