also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
