be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Randomize
