after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
